On Acceptance & Healing Post Injury: http://neverstopexploring.com/2016/01/22/the-north-face-ultrarunner-stephanie-howe-talks-acceptance-and-healing-post-injury/
Having trouble with acceptance. Stuck on frustration and anger.
It’s been over 2 months since I went for a proper run.
I can’t say I've reached anything remotely close to a peaceful state of acceptance.
At this point only sheer force of rational will is keeping me fairly disciplined about letting my knee heal fully (then wait 2 more weeks) before I run again. Not acceptance.
Every day I take all the frustration driven impatience and force myself to think it through:
The quickest way to running at my peak again is to let my knee fully heal, until it feels *the same* as my other (healthy) knee, no difference in swelling or pain, and then wait two more weeks just to be sure.
Despite icing, every night I go to bed knowing I still can’t run, and every morning I wake up (sometimes hours too early) to the same.
I cope through a mental exercise of gratefulness.
Breathing deeply I am grateful for overcoming asthma as I did the past year (by running, ironically). I am grateful that I can walk smoothly, even quickly, without pain or asymmetry.
That works for a while, and eventually the frustration returns.
Fortunately I have found exercises that are fairly easy on my knee, yet strenuous enough to push myself physically.
I am grateful for stationery body-weight exercises. I am grateful for being able to do yoga, by myself or in a class. I am grateful I know my body well enough to adjust poses as needed. I am grateful my knee has recovered enough to boulder.
I try to relax, reflect on all the feelings of anger and frustration, and use them to build motivation, drive, and intensity into workouts like a deck (tantek.com/t4fL2), or Sebastians (tantek.com/t4fT1). I confess the anger helps me push through, to keep pushing despite feeling short of breath, or muscles burning with fatigue.
Setting a PR (personal record) this way is bittersweet.
Whether by a few seconds or burpees, every such PR feels great. And yet, it’s hard to fight the feeling that it was achieved partially as a response to something negative.
I’m not sure what else to do. I’m too stubborn to just give up, which is what “acceptance” feels like.
Maybe it’s this emotional cycle that I should accept, rather than my injury.
Nearly every day now I feel improvements in my knee. A little less pain or soreness in the morning. A little more flexibility and range of motion in yoga poses. Or walking a flight of steps, not realizing til afterwards that there was no pain.
I am grateful for healing. I am grateful for the knowledge that I will run again some day, and when I do I will be stronger than ever before.
I try to appreciate these improvements and yet it’s still too easy to feel impatient and wonder.
When will I be able to run a mile around my neighborhood again?
Run to and in @Nov_Project_SF?
Run up & down hills?
Train for my next race?
Will I recover in time to train for my next race? (Bay to Breakers in May).
I can already tell those last two weeks will be the hardest.